look with your eyes

Dungeon Etiquette

Don’t make assumptions about anyone or anything.  Always ask.  It’s easy to be new and assume that what you saw on TV, in a movie or online is accurate. It’s not. And although some of it may be similar, BDSM is unique to each and every person who participates.

Don’t enter a scene or talk to anyone in a scene without permission.  Those who are engaged in a “scene” are connecting with each other. They are building an experience and “head space” that is core to what it is that we do (WIITWD). It’s okay to observe quietly from a distance, but getting too close, asking questions, or interrupting a scene in progress will break their head space and may cause a negative experience. You also won’t make any friends that way. Most of our members are happy to explain a scene or a particular object that they used, but please be respectful and hold any questions until after they complete aftercare and return to the social area or kitchen.

BE QUIET AROUND ACTIVE SCENES! Nothing disrupts a scene like random conversations near the furniture/station they are using, and nothing is more jarring than losing the head space you have built together because people are too loud. Please move your discussions to the social area or kitchen.

No means no.  Anything  short of an enthusiastic yes means no.  Nothing is more important than consent, whether it’s regarding a person’s body or their belongings! Safewords are essential in a public dungeon. Consent is essential as well. We do not want to confuse a bottom saying “no, no, no” in a scene in reaction to pain as revoking consent, unless the those involved chose to use those words as safewords. It is common for you to hear all sorts of comments and language from a bottom. So for clarity, typically we use the stoplight color system. Green means good to go/all is well; Yellow means there is something wrong or I need a moment, and you stop for a moment and discuss the issues; Red is an all stop word. If you play beyond red, we will stop your scene. Red is NO. Red is “I need to stop, I’ve reached my limit.”

If it’s not yours, don’t touch.  This goes for people and their toys.  Not everyone likes to be touched.  People make mistakes and don’t always know when it is appropriate to touch. Err on the side of caution and ask first. For instance, “May I hug you goodbye?” allows the person to give (or deny) consent. Do not touch someone else’s gear, toys, or equipment without asking for permission first.

Unwanted harassment or following someone around without their permission is not okay. This is called “Puppy Dogging”, and is not okay. An example would be if you went an event and find that you are attracted or intrigued by someone and you follow them around until you get the nerve to talk to them, and perhaps ask to play. If that person says no and is not interested, leave them be. No means no. It is creepy behavior to follow people around, to not take no for an answer and to disregard the consent of others.

If all else fails, try to behave by these rules, with a few relevant edits in bold:

These are the things I learned (in Kindergarten):

  1. Share everything. (Don’t create drama)
  2. Play fair. (Consent is key)
  3. Don’t hit people. (Only with their consent)
  4. Put things back where you found them. (Clean up after your scenes)
  5. CLEAN UP YOUR OWN MESS. (Be a grown up)
  6. Don’t take things that aren’t yours. (People, things, etc.)
  7. Say you’re SORRY when you HURT somebody. (Own up to mistakes, talk and try to remedy the situation)
  8. Wash your hands before you eat. (Germs are gross)
  9. Flush.
  10. Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you. (We have lots of treats for before or after a scene, or just because they are amazing)
  11. Live a balanced life – learn some and drink some and draw some and paint some and sing and dance and play and work everyday some. (Newbie Frenzy is real. Try to balance doing all-of-the-things with some patience. Don’t rush.)
  12. Take a nap every afternoon.
  13. When you go out into the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands, and stick together. (Community is important, keep who you see, what you see and who you know in confidence. Outing is a serious offense, malicious or not. We are your kinky family.)
  14. Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the styrofoam cup: The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that. (Take a moment to process all that is amazing and good in the lifestyle. Know yourself before you invite others to know you.)

― Robert Fulghum, All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten